Essay: emma friary
There was a desire in me to grow. I longed, truly, to find something greater than what I thought was around me. There was no reasoning why, no explanation that would neatly sum up what it was that I felt inside of me for pure, unadulterated freedom. I wanted to be able to walk freely wherever I went. I wanted to be able to get in my car and go wherever I wanted with no expectations of when I would be back or what my destination was. I was able to cut a lot of ties with people that I felt were not allowing for me to have freedom. These people too were lucky: they no longer had to worry about me.
The desire seemed to come from the people I saw around me. There was a lack of jealousy and more confusion. Why were they able to travel and do all of the things that I so badly wanted to be doing? What could I do to live the kind of life that others lived with such ease? A man I know told me there was a particular photo of me that I had up at my desk from when I was on a vacation with a type of smile that he had never seen me have before. It was a smile with no kind of hidden meaning behind it, not done for a camera, but a reaction to being as happy as I could possibly be. Having said so, it also made me sad to think that I did not always have that smile on my face. Perhaps it was a smile reserved for only the best moments of my life, meant to be when I was actually at the peak of happiness that would make Buddhists would look at me and see, for the briefest instant, Nirvana.
The spring is a time of regrowth which can be seen simply by looking outwards. Out my window, I can see a forest of lush greens and tall brown trunks erupting from the earth. When I sleep with my windows open, I can hear a symphony of tree frogs, fluttering of wings, the babbling brook that gently winds down paths made and maintained by time’s experience. I’ve begun seeing all the animals on my drives home at night, wild eyes lit up in the night. I wonder if that’s what they see too. I’ve made my summer plans, bought the tickets to the concerts, made the plans to hike mountains and go to the beach, planning internally more trips out of the country, and made deeper connections with those around me.
One of my favorite bands is the Smiths. They are ridiculously sad, beautifully and emotionally writing and singing about the moments that not everyone says but what they live through. A song about love declares, “There is a light that never goes out.” There seems to be a light in me, an urge in me to do better than before, to not compete with others but with myself, to force myself out of my comfort zone, and plan out my next move that will be for only me. I want to live selfishly for myself doing what I want to do and selflessly for those I love around me. I want to set my own world on fire.
about the writer: emma friary
Emma Friary is an undergraduate at FSU planning on pursuing her Masters through the school. She draws inspiration from her travels and experiences as well as her favorite novels. Emma’s goal is to publish a book and travel back to Europe in the next year.